A Light in the Dark
by TwihardSie
Summary: For "The Black Balloon Contest". What becomes of a woman who feels like she is losing or has lost everything that is important to her? Can she forget the past and focus on the future? Welcome to the life of Isabella Swan.


**The Black Balloon Contest**

**Title: A Light in the Dark**

**By: **

**Characters: Bella/Edward**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or its characters. I do, however own these words. Enjoy!**

"_**For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been'" –John Greenleaf Whittier.**_

That was the quote that had been invading my every thought as of late. My name is Isabella Marie Swan and other than that…I have no idea who the fuck I am anymore.

_Flashback April 21__st__ 2007 6:15pm_

"_Shut up, Rose! I said I'll be back to Forks in 2 months at the latest so stop with the bitching and the whining. I'm trying to prove to these male chauvinistic pigs that I am more than capable of being their VP." I tried to calm Rose down with my words._

_This was a long standing battle that I was having with my friends lately. I left everything I knew and loved back in Forks when I decided to move to New York to be the Vice President of Bailey & Company, a large Advertising and Marketing firm. I was on top of the world, because at the age of 27 I was able to accomplish something that I believed to be unattainable. I worked my ass off to get where I was, and I had the cuts, bruises, scrapes and burns to prove it. I was still trying to calm Rose down when my phone beeped, alerting me to a call on the other line._

"_Rose, I'm going to call you back. Charlie is on the other line." I clicked over without waiting for her to respond because I was excited to hear from my dad._

"_Well if it isn't the best father in the whole wide world!" I said sweetly into the phone._

"_Is this Isabella Swan?" some strangers voice filtered through the speakers on the phone._

"_This is she. Who is this?" I asked._

"_Isabella. This is Officer James Collins and I think you're going to want to sit down." This Officer James Collin's sounded awfully nervous._

"_I don't need to take a seat. Can you please just tell me what it is that you need?" I was getting agitated and quite annoyed._

"_There's been an accident involving your father, and I'm sorry to inform you that he didn't make it. The paramedics did everything they could to help, but when they reached him it was too late. I'm so sorry." My world went black. I felt like I was falling. I could hear my heart as it pumped blood throughout my body, the sound of it was deafening. The phone dropped from my hand with a large bang against the floor. I all of sudden heard screaming. Who was that screaming? Why were they so loud? There was no one in the apartment with me and that's when I realized that the screaming was coming from me. I could stand up, I couldn't see and it was becoming hard to breathe. I crawled over to the phone._

"_So, how is my favorite Chief Charlie?" Rose asked. _

"_He's dead, Rose! My dad is dead!"I gasped into the phone, trying desperately to pull air into my lungs._

"_Oh my God, Bella, sweetie. Listen to me! You are hyperventilating. I need you to listen to the sound of my voice. I want you to take a deep breath and as you are exhaling I want you to count to 5." Rose's soothing voice tried to provide comfort. I did what she told me and I felt my breathing starting to even out, but with every breath I took it burned me to my core. I felt like I was dying and I can't say that the feeling was unwelcomed. _

"_I'm coming home, Rose. I'm coming home right now." I sniffled in the phone._

"_Okay, Bells. Call me when you get to the airport so that I can come pick you up." She said as I hung up the phone, made flight arrangements and left a voicemail for my boss. I was going home, with a heavy heart. I was walking back into a life and back to a particular person that I thought I had left behind. I had no idea if I was ready….who was I kidding? I knew I wasn't ready._

_*End of flashback*_

It's been two years since I buried the only constant that I had ever known in my life. I had no parental figure left. Charlie was really all I knew, he was always there. Renee walked out of our lives a long time ago. The only memory I held of the woman who I used to call mom was when she left out of the door when I was 5 years old and despite my cries, my yells, my tugging on her leg….she didn't turn around. She pried me from around her legs, finger by finger without looking me in the eyes. She never said a word and she never looked back. That was the day when I lost half my soul. I found myself resenting Renee, but how were you supposed to hate someone who gave you life? I tried to keep up appearances; pretend that it didn't bother me that during "Bring Your Mommy to School Day" I was the only student in class who didn't have a mommy. I plastered on that fake smile that everyone loved to see all the while inside I was crying and wanting to give love to a mother who wanted my love as much as I _needed_ hers. I wasn't completely without motherly love in my life because I'll never forget the day during one of our 3rd grade weekly Mommy and Me days when Charlie decided that he was going to accompany me, because that was the day where Jessica Stanley announced to the class that I must have been the worst little girl on Earth because only losers and bad children had no mommy. I ran off to the other side of the classroom and hid in the corner and cried. I cried harder than I think I ever have in the short time I had been alive. It was in that corner where I witnessed this cute little girl with long blonde hair go up to Jessica, pull her hair and push her down while all of the other adults were preoccupied. I laid my head down in my lap. I felt a tiny hand on my back and looked up and into the eyes of a little boy with bronzed colored hair and forest green eyes. He told me that it was going to be okay and that he and his sister would share their mommy with me. That was how I met Edward and Rosalie, and it was the start of two of the most amazing friendships I would ever have.

Carlisle Cullen was like a second father to me, and Esme was the only mother I cared to know. They included me in their family gatherings and loved me like I was their own. Charlie did the best that he could but there were certain things that he just wasn't equipped to handle, and I realized at a young age that Charlie was wearing too many hats. While he was supposed to only be a father, he was now trying to balance being a mom and a dad. With every new grey hair he developed, with every new worry line or wrinkle that appeared on his face, I died a little more inside. I never intended to be a burden to him, this wasn't his fault.

Two weeks after I buried the very foundation of my life at Forks Cemetery, I packed my bags, kissed Carlisle and Esme goodbye and shared sweet comforting hugs with Edward and Rose and boarded my plane back to New York. When I arrived I noticed that nothing felt the same anymore. Everything was dark and distant. Instead of hearing clear voices, everyone sounded so far away as if they were speaking from the other end of a long dark tunnel. I felt myself slipping further and further away from reality. The photo that I kept on my desk of me and Charlie at my college graduation was no longer there, I had to shove it in the bottom of my desk drawer because whenever I looked at it, it became unbearably hard to breath. I was alive, but I was in no way shape or form living. The only reminder that I was alive was the steady beat of my heart pounding so loudly in my head that there were some days where I wished it would stop. That would make things a hell of a lot easier on me. I have gone to many different doctors who have diagnosed me with everything from severe anxiety to clinical depression. I had gone from a healthy 130lbs down to a sickly looking 105lbs. Eating and sleeping were things that didn't come easy anymore. Who was I becoming? What happened to me? I used to be strong, confident and courageous, but now I felt weak and out of control. How much more could I lose before I completely crumbled? My life was like a game of Jenga, it started off with a solid foundation and blocks that were stacked high and reinforced and through the years all of these little tragedies released a block, making my life more and more unstable. I felt like if someone were to yank out one more block, my life would plummet down around me. I was alone. I was losing. I failed. I was now nothing but a case study to many different doctors. The girl who couldn't look at fathers and daughters enjoying afternoon's at the park, because it would throw me smack dab in the middle of a panic attack. I was simply pathetic, and the sad thing is…I couldn't bring myself to give a fuck anymore.

Six months ago Mrs. Bailey also known as my boss, decided that she had turned a blind eye to my self-destruction for long enough and decided it best if I went home to be close with the only "family" I had left…the Cullen's. She sat me down in her office and told me that she thought that I was in danger of losing myself…_who the fuck was she kidding?_ I lost myself a long time ago. She had arranged for people to pack up my belongings and a car was outside to escort me to the airport…and now here I am. I'm living with Carlisle, Esme, Rose and Edward back in rainy Forks. Hiding what was going on with me was a very difficult thing to do in this house, especially when Carlisle was a doctor and Edward was a med student. It was frustrating at times because I felt like instead of being supportive and being a shoulder to lean on, they would always walk around giving me their "doctor eyes". Carlisle put me on anxiety meds after I had nightmares on a consistent basis when I first arrived back in Forks. I had vivid dreams of events from the past, like when I was going out on my first date with Mike Newton and I was in my room freaking out because I couldn't get my hair to cooperate and Charlie came in and tried his best to help me fix my hair before finally giving up and telling me that no matter what I did with my hair I was the most beautiful girl in the whole world. I had dreams where I was surrounded by a bright, blinding light and I could see my dad, I could feel my dad. The dreams were so real that I would wake up screaming and sobbing. To anyone else these "dreams" would seem like a good thing, but to me they felt like nightmares…beautiful nightmares. No one in the Cullen house was getting any sleep…here I was again, being a burden to everyone around me.

Edward was helping a great deal and he didn't even know it. He worked late at the hospital most nights and whenever he would come home, I noticed that he would sit in the recliner at the end of my bed and watch me for hours. I didn't let him know that I saw him there, because I feared that he would stop and the truth was that the nightmares were less intense when I knew he was around.

I closed my journal and decided that it was time to climb out of bed and face another day. I was always hoping that the next day would be better than the day before. I jumped in the shower, got out and threw on a black tank top and black yoga pants. I went downstairs and noticed that everyone was in the kitchen but Edward.

"How are you feeling today, sweetheart?" Esme asked as she walked over, kissed me on the top of my head and sat down a plate of toast, bacon and eggs.

"I'm okay. One day at a time, right?" I gave her a small smile.

"That's my girl." Carlisle said as he also placed a kiss on the top of my head. I could at least try my very best to be happy today, because I knew that whenever they saw me having a good day, they had a good day as well.

"Bells, you wanna go shopping with me and Mom today?" Rose asked between bites of eggs and toast.

"Sure." I smiled and took a bite of food.

We finished up eating, got dressed and headed out to the mall. The mall was crowded…too crowded, but I tried my very hardest to struggle through despite all the happiness that was emanating off of everyone. We were in a dress shop when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a teenage girl with her father and it looked like they were trying to pick out a dress. It was as if some unexplainable gravitational pull was guiding me closer to them. The girl looked like she was about 15 or 16 and she was complaining to her dad that she would never find a suitable dress to go out with Michael Johnson. She was on the verge of tears and that's when I heard it.

"Sloane, no matter what dress you pick out, or what you decide to wear, you're always going to be the most beautiful girl in the world." The Dad said as he tilted her chin up and wiped a few stray tears that had managed to make their way onto her cheeks.

I felt my chest constrict, because it reminded me so much of my relationship with my Dad. I felt the warning signs for an impending panic attack and I knew that I needed to get out of there. I walked as fast as I could until I heard a voice call out to me.

"Bella, what's wrong? Where are you going?" Rose asked as she tried to keep up with me.

"I…just…need…some…air." I struggled to get it out as I tried to focus on my breathing.

"I'll go get Mom, so we can go home." She rubbed my back and headed back to get Esme as I made my way outside.

By the time they got outside I was sitting on a bench by the door crying. I felt Esme's warm hand on my back.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?" she rubbed my head

"I'm pathetic, and I've ruined you and Rose's day. All because, I can't seem to pull it together! It's been two years Esme! I can't and I don't want to live like this anymore! I'm dying to get better, but nothing is working! I just don't know what to do anymore." I sobbed into her shoulder.

"Bella, you are working so very hard at getting better. There is no time limit on these things, sweetheart. You've lost a lot in your lifetime, we understand that Bella. Please don't ever think that you are burden to us and that we don't like taking care of you, because nothing could be further from the truth. We all love you very, very much." She wiped the tears from my cheek.

Rose had gotten the car, and we made our way home. When I walked into the house I immediately made my way to my room. Emotionally I was exhausted…that seemed to happen a lot. I walked in to see Edward sitting on my bed and he looked nervous.

"Hey, Edward. What's up?" I smiled at him. Edward and I had dated for most of high school, and even though we had to go our separate ways we have always remained close friends. I felt like as of late, I had been a horrible friend to him, when I knew that all he wanted to do was be there for me. I could tell by the way he let me cry on his shoulder. The way he hugged me, kissed my forehead and whispered in my ear every morning that today was going to be better than yesterday. I loved Edward. I always had, and I knew that I always would. I think that he wanted more than to be just friends, and I would be lying if I said that the thought hadn't crossed my mind, but I was so scared to give into the feeling, because when I loved…I lost and I refused to lose anyone else, so Edward so graciously took whatever I offered him.

"I just wanted to come see how you were." He ran his hand through his hair and that let me know that he had more on his mind. I might not know myself anymore, but I knew Edward.

"Honestly, I'm emotionally drained and I could really use a nap, but I know that's not the real reason you're sitting in here." I raised an eyebrow at him.

He took off his shoes and turned down the covers on my bed.

"Get over here." He smiled at me. I walked over and climbed under the covers. He got under the covers and I leaned my back against his chest. I could feel his breathe on the back of my neck.

"You're right, Bella. There is something more that I wanted to talk to you about, but I want you to stay like this, because I don't think I could look you in the eyes and share this with you. Okay?" he whispered in my ear.

"Okay, Edward." I yawned, because I was quite comfortable.

"I just want to start off by saying that I think that you are incredibly strong and brave. I can't even pretend that I understand what you are going through, but what I can tell you is that I want to be there every step of the way with you. Let me help you fight your battles, you don't have to do it alone…I won't let you. I want to be the one thing in your life that you are for certain won't disappear. I love you, Bella. I love you so much." He finished and I now was very aware of the tears making tracks down my cheek. I had to look at him. I turned over and put my hand on his cheek.

"Edward, I'm not okay. As much as I try to pretend I am. I am not. I don't know if I'll ever be that bright, brown eyed girl you used to know. I'm just a shell of my former self. I can't offer you all of me, Edward, because I am not whole, but I can offer you every piece of myself that I find along the way." I said as I cradled his face in my hands.

He reached up and caressed my cheek, and he leaned in and he placed his lips on mine. It was a soft warm kiss. It was a kiss that held a lot of promises. Promises that I hoped Edward was able to keep, because this was going to be a long tough road, but for the first time I was beginning to see a slight flicker and glimmer of light in the dark holes that have taken up what I once thought was a permanent presence in my heart.

_**I measure every grief I meet**_

_**With analytic eyes;**_

_**I wonder if it weighs like mine,**_

_**Or has an easier size.**_

_**I wonder if it hurts to live,**_

_**And if they have to try,**_

_**And whether, could they choose between,**_

_**They would not rather die.**_

_**I Measure Every Grief I Meet-Emily Dickinson**_


End file.
